Tag: dramatic reading

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE S3E5: AURATIC

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE S3E5: AURATIC

CAREER SUICIDE

“HI K8, H8 UR WORK”

Dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism. All real, all serious, all horribly written. I apologise in advance for any foreign or jargon words that I accidentally pronounced correctly. This time, at a gallery in Graz (Austria):

An artist “resists artisanal virtuosity” which I think may be someone being polite about the artist being quite crap at all the things she’s chosen to do as part of her art practice.

Another artist is a painter who apparently ignores colours and the canvas, which takes some doing when not ignoring colours and the canvas is pretty much your entire job description as a painter.

The third artist’s works in wood are impossible to distinguish from ordinary bits of wood that are not art, except they are art. All clear? Good.

You can play along with your Artbollocks Bingo card, and…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE S3E4: PREPOSTAPOCALYPTIC

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE S3E4: PREPOSTAPOCALYPTIC

CAREER SUICIDE

OOO BONDAGE UP YOURS!

Dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism. All real, all serious, all horribly written. I apologise in advance for any foreign or jargon words that I accidentally pronounced correctly. In this write up of an exhibition from France we’ve not only got OOOers [sic], but also “negative faith”, wax balls, and typos a go-go (underlined in red, as if I’m that paperclip fellow from MS Word.) Multiple typos and grammatical errors are always good in a press release or any other form of official communication, because they really convey professionalism.

You can play along with your Artbollocks Bingo card, and you can watch more Artbollocks Theatre here on the blog or on my Vimeo channel.

If you don’t know what Object Oriented Ontology is, then a quick look at Wikipedia is probably quite sufficient. If you do

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE S3E3: VOCABULARY

CAREER SUICIDE

“I’M SORRY, HE’S FROM BARCELONA”

fawlty-towers-hd-images-7

Dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism. All real, all serious, all horribly written. I apologise in advance for any foreign or jargon words that I accidentally pronounced correctly. This time, an artist expresses his utter disdain for and rejection of the fetishised, unique art object and the mystique of the all-powerful curator by working with a curator to create and display unique, fetishised art objects at a gallery in Barcelona. Under some of the pretentious self-importance there’s actually quite a lot I agree with in the text that follows. However, I rarely go to the trouble of writing lengthy screeds against certain practices or attitudes only to immediately turn around and take part in them with gay abandon. At least not knowingly.

You can play along with your Artbollocks Bingo card, and you can watch more Artbollocks Theatre here…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE 3: SUPER COP

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE 3: SUPER COP

CAREER SUICIDE

ABT3_Copper

S3E1: CONTEMPLATIVE

Yes, it’s back. Even more dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism, this time with a police show-on-VHS-tape twist. Watch new arty farty perps and syntax villains brought to justice every two weeks or so. In this episode, we learn how it’s possible to write four paragraphs and nearly four hundred words about a man who built some walls. But wait… he built some walls in an art gallery that already had walls. Is your mind completely blown?

You can play along with your Artbollocks Bingo card, and you can watch more Artbollocks Theatre here on the blog or on my Vimeo channel. I tried really hard to mispronounce all the foreign words and jargon, but I think I still accidentally said some of them correctly. Sorry about that.

Presented at ISE Cultural Foundation, the site-specific installation Time Would Not…

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WELSH ARTBOLLOCKS

WELSH ARTBOLLOCKS

CAREER SUICIDE

See some of Artbollocks Theatre, series 2 at the Outcasting: Fourth Wall Festival of artists’ moving image work in Cardiff this October. Various dates from October 6th at Porter’s Bar Cinema, then at ATRiuM, University of South Wales from October 13th. Other screening programmes continue throughout the month at different venues, including Chapter. Launch on October 1st, 4-7pm. Even leaving myself aside (which is both hard to do and extremely foolish because I’m AMAZING) there are some great artists, commissions and films in this one. Anyone who doesn’t like it or doesn’t find it appealing is dead to me. YOU HEAR? Dead.

New art bollockers brought to justice soon in Artbollocks Theatre 3: Super Cop.

Also, bloody hell, how did it get to be October already?

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: BANAL

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: BANAL

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleMore dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism every week, except when I don’t do them every week. This week’s artist is doing a lot of boring stuff. ON. PURPOSE. My mind is blown.

Play Artbollocks Bingo!

Sofia Hultén (b. 1972 in Stockholm, lives in Berlin) delicately occupies herself in her videos, installations, sculptures and photographs with the wide variety of opportunities for action. By reconstructing or rearranging courses of events she explores in the process banal everyday procedures like eating an apple as well as the character and history of profane objects with little value like a worn piece of wood or an old toolbox she finds at construction or demolition sites. She hence regularly succeeds in breaking through conventional patterns of perception and tracing unknown dimensions in the everyday.

The second sentence is nearly fifty words long and completely unpunctuated. Try reading…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: DECOLONIAL

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: DECOLONIAL

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleMore dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism every week, except when I don’t do them every week. This week we erase the lasting and iniquitous effects of colonialism by vandalising high school textbooks. Who knew it was so easy? Somebody should have told Gandhi. Montezuma? The fool should have just done some cut ups with the Conquistadors’ books and everything would have been OK.

Bonus: play Artbollocks Bingo with me!

The ongoing exhibition and production project titled Margin of Error, now opening as a show at Tasneem Gallery in Barcelona, constitutes Magnetic Declination’s first public intervention, and premieres the first instalment of the group’s planned cinematic work, which will include further releases in the future.




Magnetic Declination is a research and production group formed by theorists, curators, and visual artists. DM’s work is based on post- and de-colonial approaches that seek to dismantle…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: MACROCOSM

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: MACROCOSM

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleMore dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism every week, except when I don’t do them every week.

Do you like soil? Are you interested in the self? Not soiling yourself. That’s a different thing. No, this is how one of the artists describes his oeuvre as represented in an exhibition of South Korean artists at Mindy Solomon Gallery in Miami. For the purposes of this week’s reading I’ve mashed up several of the artists’ statements into one incoherent whole. In as much as one can generalise, I’ve rarely come away disappointed from exhibitions by South Korean artists. Whatever the Korean equivalent of je ne sais quoi is, I think many of them have it. Google unhelpfully translates je ne sais quoi as eotteon 어떤, “any”. Yes, Korean artists have any. Thanks Google, you arsehole.

Where was I? I think Korean artists are…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: HETERONORMATIVE

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: HETERONORMATIVE

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleMore dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism every week, except when I don’t do them every week.

Last time, we discovered that having a baby makes a woman magic and gives her special insight into the very fabric of reality. Sorry, I should have written “giving life”, not “having a baby”. This week, a call for presentations and conference papers, but only if they reinforce the organisers’ prejudices that certain very narrowly defined types of gay men and lesbians are also totally magic!

International Art English tropes in this episode of Artbollocks Theatre, rated on a scale of one to five stars

Tongue twisters *, pseudoscientific claptrap *, bad grammar, typos or misused words *, telling us what we see or think *****, spurious appeals to art history (0), art world jargon ***, pretending artists are more [superlative adjective] than people…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: FEMININITY

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: FEMININITY

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleMore dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism every week, except when I don’t do them every week.

This one gets four out of five stars for its “women are magic” rhetoric. It would be five stars in the “X is magic” category if I didn’t know that next week I’m doing HETERONORMATIVE. I’m sure you can imagine just how magic having a minority sexual or gender identity must be when this week’s artist “giving life herself” is held up as a remarkable occurence. I’m reliably informed that pregnancy and birth can be a painful, difficult and stressful process. I respect and love my own mother. I have great admiration for all the other mothers in the world who do the best they can to raise their children. But for fuck’s sake get over yourself, woman. You weren’t “giving life”. You were carrying out…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: TRIANGULARIZATION

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: TRIANGULARIZATION

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleMore dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism every week, except when I don’t do them every week.

This week’s artist is asking “how can triangularization contribute to the ever-increasing signification of subject formation?”, certainly one of the most pressing issues in the world right now. At least someone is dealing with it instead of just sitting around and ignoring the effects of triangularization. Come on everybody, let’s get it sorted out.

International Art English tropes in this episode of Artbollocks Theatre, rated on a scale of one to five stars

Tongue twisters *, pseudoscientific claptrap ****, bad grammar, typos or misused words **, telling us what we see or think ****, spurious appeals to art history *, art world jargon ***, pretending artists are more [superlative adjective] than people who are actually [adjective] (0), justifying nothingness or lack of…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: SPACE

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: SPACE

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleArtbollocks Theatre is back! As a friend of mine said last week upon hearing the glad tidings: “Oh shit, I’m scared.” More dramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism every week, except when I don’t do them every week. Today we’ll learn about places in spaces being in spaces that are places. Or something.

International Art English tropes in this episode of Artbollocks Theatre, rated on a scale of one to five stars

Tongue twisters ***, pseudoscientific claptrap *, bad grammar or typos *, telling us what we see or think **, spurious appeals to art history ***, art world jargon **, pretending artists are more [superlative adjective] than people who are actually [adjective] ***, justifying nothingness or lack of work ****, [gender or sexual identity/motherhood/minority status/nationality of the artist] is magic (0), “between [random noun] and…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: GESTUS

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: GESTUS

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleThis week, the “anarchic wit” that arises from the revolutionary, hitherto unknown act of drawing with a pencil. My original commentary on this text is here: One Dimensional.

“He meets his counterpart as a discreet partner…” It’s rare for an art text to accurately convey how blithely sordid, mercenary and pervy many artists are about exploiting other people to make their work, but this is a pretty good distillation of it. It almost sounds like a phrase from a disturbing Craigslist personal ad.

See some Artbollocks Theatre videos and a live discussion of bad artist statements and egregious press releases at the artist-led Sluice Art Fair this weekend (19th-20th October) in London.

Previous episodes: LacunarySchwittersianEphemeralInvestigationPschogeographyHapticNoesisOscillating

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: SCHWITTERSIAN

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: SCHWITTERSIAN

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitle

“Schwittersian” is a brilliant made up non-word. I know people (artists especially) whose houses are totally Schwittersian in the sense that there’s a load of crap everywhere and random shit stuck to the walls, and they seem pathologically averse to tidying up. I’ve also seen lots of art exhibitions that were just a load of old junk, but neither of the aforementioned things necessarily amount to visual poetry. OCD, possibly. Incipient full-blown mental illness, occasionally. Sheer laziness, often. The prospect of a gallery show but they haven’t done enough work, frequently. But visual poetry? Rarely. And if it is visual poetry, we the audience will decide that for ourselves by looking at the work, not just because somebody tells us so.

Read the rest of my original commentary on this text here: Artbollocksonate.

Previous episodes: EphemeralInvestigationPschogeographyHapticNoesisOscillating

Some forthcoming victims: Artbollocks Panorama

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: EPHEMERAL

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: EPHEMERAL

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleIn this week’s dramatic reading of a ghastly artist statement, we meet another numpty who’s not a mere performance artist poncing around in an art gallery; she’s carrying out an “investigation” with the potential to shatter everything we thought we knew. In common with several other perps who are featured in this series, she also claims to be going beyond scientific constraints– NO, MR. WHITE! NO, SCIENCE! Not only that, but she’s alsoinventing a new language between performer and audience. And here I was thinking she was just another grandiloquent ignoramus who flipped through a back issue of New Scientist in the dentist’s waiting room one time. I’m starting to believe the main impetus for many contemporary artists isn’t talent, or having anything to say, or curiosity, or insight… it’s just that they were really traumatised and humiliated by science and English classes in school and they’ve never…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: INVESTIGATION

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: INVESTIGATION

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleMy original commentary on this text is here: An experimental, rarefied field for the art exhibition. Scroll down for the video. As usual, I’ve beeped out the perp’s name because I find it funnier. Discover the identity of the person who made a fool of themselves by following the link.

This week’s dramatic reading of an artist statement involves a fundamental building block of the artbollocks edifice: rather than being a mere maker of images, the artist is supposedly some kind of metaphysical investigator who is questioning life, philosophy and reality with the paradigm-busting rigour of an Einstein, a Nietszche or a Darwin. Occasionally some artists do exactly that and so they should, but the ones who genuinely are avant garde rarely go around trying to impress everyone with how clever and 4 REALZ they are by saying (or implying) that their art is so vital it shatters the…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: HAPTIC

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: HAPTIC

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleArtbollocks Theatre is my weekly dramatic reading series in which I perform the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism. Some of them have already been featured on this site; others are based on tip-offs and reports from colleagues or readers. This one has been featured on the blog previously. Here’s my original commentary on it: Art F-All.

“You know Adrian Heathfield. Of course you do. He’s, er… the man who said contemporary performance has shifted from the optic to the haptic. Which is a shame, really, because I’d much rather see a performance than have to wait in a long queue to feel the performer. I’d like somebody to explain to me how one engages an audience corporeally; does this just mean grabbing or groping them?”

Read the rest here. Previous episodes: OscillatingPschogeographyNoesis

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: NOESIS

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: NOESIS

CAREER SUICIDE

ArtBTheatreTitleDramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism. Some of them have already been featured on this site; others are based on tip-offs and reports from colleagues or readers.

This week we discover somebody committing unprovoked acts of violence against the English and the Greek languages, despite the fact that the latter is presumably the artist’s native one. Furthermore, I’m sure many of you will be as shocked as I was to learn that– holy 1990s techno-utopian-libertarianism, I feel like Angelina Jolie in Hackers– Second Life still exists, people still use it and some people even still think it’s the coolest, most subversive thing ever.

My original commentary on the text is here: From sense to nonsense (but mainly nonsense). “Let’s be clear: this woman is a PhD candidate and she’s basing her whole artistic practice and research methodology on dicking around in…

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: PSCHOGEOGRAPHY

ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: PSCHOGEOGRAPHY

CAREER SUICIDE

[Sic]

ArtBTheatreTitleDramatic readings of the worst artist statements, gallery press releases and art criticism I’ve had the misfortune to encounter. Some of them have already been featured on this site; others are based on tip-offs and reports from colleagues or readers.

The original text is here, egregious typos and all: Configuring the potential. They appear to be serious. This first came to my attention via Dany Louise’s Interpretation Matters. She protects their identities and very succinctly plays Devil’s advocate there, while still being quite firm about it being bad writing. I only beeped out their names because it was funnier and it makes them seem like criminals. You can find out who’s responsible just by following the link. Everybody makes mistakes or does things they regret later, but my belief is that anything you put your name to in public is just that: public. You…

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